Priming the Resolution Pump: pause

This year is coming to an end, which means that I made it through December… again.  This is the first year that I have felt some sort of perspective has been built up to look at December’s of the past and contemplate on what it is about them that gets me down.

It typically happens within the first week or two of the month.  I have never been able to put my finger on anything tangible that triggers it.  In the common vernacular… it is just ‘a funk’.  I like that term, because in passing it is really quite simple… but with contemplation and conversation, the phrase can be unpacked quite far.

At this point in the journey through many Decembers, some of the unpacking that I have done this year has revealed a few things about what ails my soul so much.

A friend of mine who knows that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year because of it’s simplicity and freedom from commercialism/greed, asked me if I basically, ‘fall into the deep end of depression’ after the simplicity runs out, and the battle to keep Christmas… well… Christmas begins.  He may have touched on a bit of it there… but not enough for me to really take note of at this time… maybe now that the seed has been planted, I will notice more on this stream of thought next year.

This year, as I wrestled through the fog… I noticed that the feelings of unmet expectations for the season were not in any way low because of material possessions… or the ability to ‘make the kids dreams come true’ on Christmas morning; rather, the unmet expectations that were on the forefront of my mind, largely in part to the fact that I have to many irons in the fire.

I have a naturally charismatic personality when it comes to things that I know I can do well… even if I am not passionate about it… I have a propensity to lead and to get things done.  But when spread to thin… I can’t even count all of the things that were left undone this year.  My years are consistanty filled with good intentions… and the belief (at least in the initial moment) that I will get things done.  Much of this comes from my care for others… and the curse of not wanting to let people down.  I am willing to say no to just about anything… truth is… I don’t often pause long enough to remember too… and so promises are made… and my best intentions become things left undone.

Of course… you can’t make everyone happy when your passion doesn’t produce fulfilled promises…

Not only do I know that this is an issue for me… it is something that I feel at a deep level… and the gravity from the deep pulls me down into a dark season.

I could then… just stop caring whether or not that I leave promises unkept…

or I could just remember to make fewer promises… and trust that God’s grace will fill in the gaps in other peoples lives… I am not their messiah…  As much as they may think they need me… or as much as I like to be needed… quite simply… I need to make fewer promises… and spend more time in the moment… with the people, places, and things in my presence.

There is more to unpack about the December funk… and there is no way of knowing how accurate this assessment is until the next December…  but I do pray that these thoughts will cause me to pause this coming year… and remember to evaluate what it is I am to be present for…